Please review my story, I'd really appreciate some honest reviews..?

You may has well have ended with, "but it was all a dream". Her acting out the dream adds nothing. I don't think the other 'reviewers' quite made it through, but dream endings are NOT appreciated. Really, that is an awful 'twist'. Poor ending to something that could've been more than decent. You had potential until then. Scrap the dream and you've got something.